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Le Big Mac


                This week, Burger-at-Law and Bama Belle ventured to the Golden Arches to try one of the “gray ladies” of America’s hamburger history, the Big Mac.  After reviewing several stellar burgers, I felt it was time to try something else.  The light wallet factored into that decision as well.  As the week progressed, I told several people I’d probably review the Big Mac this week; however, every single person I told was surprised and not really thrilled about it.  I did the Big Mac for numerous reasons: I said in the Prelogue that I’d review it, the Big Mac is an international icon in the hamburger world (as the Jules and Vincent clip from Pulp Fiction shows), it is the classic American burger, and I needed a “benchmark” for a bad burger for this journey. 

                Okay, so the Belle and I ventured to the closest McDonald’ (America will still be a great place as long as McDonald’s continues to outnumber Starbucks).  This wasn’t your grandma’s Golden Arches, this place was crazy.  This McDonald’s had regular tables, booths, a “lounge,” and bistro stools.  However, this McDonald’s had a distinctive feature that is common in many McDonald’s, in fact; it took me back to my earliest McDonald’s memory.  I remember in the glorious Alex Keaton 1980s going to the McDonald’s on the boardwalk of Virginia Beach and the floor being covered in what appeared to be a mixture of water, mud, dirt, sand, and fecal paste.  It was disgusting.  In true McDonald’s form, this McDonald’s had a huge a puddle of water covering about 1/8 of the floor.  Those yellow “don’t slip signs” are about as McDonaldish as the Golden Arches.  If McDonald’s is anything, it is consistent. 

                Anyways, so I waded across the puddle and ordered a Big Mac, Coke, and fries, also known as a Number 2.  I got my number two super sized.  Meanwhile, the Belle only wanted a beverage, so get this, she ordered a McCafe latte (vanilla, sugarfree nonfat latte with extra estrogen).  Like one would expect, we didn’t have to wait very long to get our food.

                Truth be told, I’ve never been much of a Big Mac Guy.  I’ve always opted for the quarter pounder with cheese; however, I was pretty excited about it.   According to Wikipedia, “the Big Mac is the hamburger consisting of two 1.6 oz (45.4 g) beef patties, special ‘Mac’ sauce (a Thousand Island dressing variant[1]), iceberg lettuce, American cheese, pickles, and onions, all served on a three part sesame seed bun.”  I’m not going to go much into detail about this burger because frankly, it doesn’t warrant much time.  Everyone knows that the McDonald’s hamburger “meat” gives much to be desired.  All I got from the sauce was wetness and color because it was flavorless. 

This is supposed to be meat....yuck.

Further, the lettuce was tasteless, and I told the Belle that the minced onions, a McDonald’s staple, were “nauseating, yet kind of good.”  I think that description as a whole fits McDonald’s in general.  Overall, the “burger” was decent.  It was probably a little better than expected (I didn’t expect much). 

                There are two things that McDonald’s does perfectly: french fries and Coca-Cola Classic.  I’m not going to say much about those because they were flat out perfect.  That’s all you need to know, and if you didn’t already know that, then you’re probably a terrorist. 

                In summing it up, my trip to McDonald’s was typical: dirty floor, cheap food, junky burger, great fries, and even better Coke.  However, this meal did some major gastrointestinal damage.  I had some serious pain in the tubes leading into my stomach that lasted until the next morning.  In fact, I couldn’t even eat dinner until 10:00 pm and all I had was egg drop soup and a spring roll.   Even though McDonald’s burgers are subpar, I’ll continue to eat there every few months.  I don’t know why, I think it is some part of our American DNA.  Anyways, if you’re gonna head to the Golden Arches, I recommend just getting the fries and coke, those don’t disappoint.

Categories: Uncategorized
  1. Bama Burgermeister
    March 8, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    Burger-at-Law, you have shown that you are an equal-opportunity burger critic. I guess this means that White Castle or Krystal is in our blog-reading future. (Of course, even the plebian masses have to have their “burger” fixes).

  2. Mommay
    March 8, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    How was the latte with extra “estrogen?’ I do not think it is unamerican to skip MacDonald’s. You have my permission. Oops, I do not think you need my permission anymore–Bama Belle please help on this one.

  3. hooligansteve
    March 11, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    What a brave soul, the sacrifices you make. You are a martyr of the blogging-burger-commenting-on proletariat.

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